“Have You Thought About…” August 24, 2006
Posted by Snow Monkey in Adoption.trackback
In an earlier post, I discussed some of the comments that ZGirl and I have received from people when we’ve told them that we’re in the process of adopting from China. One of them was the question, “Have you thought about fostering a local kid?” Last night, I heard a variation on the same theme: “Have you thought about adopting an older child?”
I’m at something of a loss to understand why some people ask such questions after I have just told them what we decided to do. Thus far, I’ve developed three theories:
1. Perhaps the questioners are curious about the subject, assume that we (as people in the process of adopting) are informed about such matters, and are trying to ask ”What do you think about [fill in the blank]?” If this is what’s going on, then the questions don’t bother me.
2. Then again, perhaps the questioners assume (consciously or unconsciously) that we’re uninformed about our options and are trying to do us a favor by bringing another alternative to our attention. Put another way, maybe they are trying to ask, “Are you aware of the possibility of [fill in the blank]?” I don’t know why they would think that we are so uninformed about our options, however. Maybe they don’t know, either; maybe they’re not thinking that much about their questions. If this is what’s going on, then I am touched by their concern but annoyed by their condescension (be it intentional or not).
3. A third possibility is that the questioners consciously or unconsciously disapprove of our decision and believe that we should have chosen another option (that is, the one mentioned in their question). So perhaps they are trying to ask, “Why are you doing that when you should be [fill in the blank]?” Or, to be even blunter, “Why are you adopting some foreign child when you should be [fill in the blank]?” If this is what’s going on, then maybe they should go about [fill in the blank] themselves; alternatively, they can go [censored] themselves.
Any other theories?
How about; we have no clue how to enter into a conversation about something that is a mystery to us and most other folks so we just ask about the one area that we know or have heard a little about so we can feel like we have something we can talk about even if it means sounding like assholes when really we just want to connect. Maybe instead of condescension the feeling is just “oh I have heard about this part of what you are talking about what do you think about it, please tell me more about this topic in your explanation.”
Or maybe I just rephrased option 2…
I think that’s more like theory #1. And if that’s what’s going on, then it truly is cool with me. I like explaining things, and I appreciate it when people try to make a connection. I know that people often ask questions as a way of trying to show interest and sympathy. Even if someone asks me a question about our adoption that sounds odd to me, I always try to respond in a good-natured and constructive way.
When I wrote this post, I wondered whether it would come across as cranky and/or thin-skinned. I’m usually not either of those (at least I hope that I’m not). I don’t want people to be afraid to ask me questions. And I know that when I mention the adoption in a social setting, there’s a chance that I’ll get a response that throws me. I’m sure that this is just a small taste of what’s to come if I’m ever walking around with an Asian-American child. I’ve got to learn to deal because that’s just what it’s going to be like.
In last night’s case, my questioner (a complete stranger—that makes a difference) was curious about lots of things. Come to think of it, her follow-up question was, “So how long had you been trying?”
That last question would have set me off a bit. Was it an assumption on the questioner’s part or had you said something about “trying”?
It was an assumption on the questioner’s part; I hadn’t said anything about “trying.” I simply gave her a straight-up answer: “Around ten months before we learned that wasn’t going to happen.”
A few minutes later, I realized that I should have added, “But not everyone who chooses to adopt is infertile.”
Have you found that most folks don’t seem to see adoption as a choice but rather a “last chance”?
You kind of hit on this one- but I get folks (my grandmother in particular) who mention another country you should consider. Like, “our friends adopted from _____.” Really? I will not be able to sleep at night tonight cause your friends adopted from Russia and man, we just never thought about Russia. Is it even a country now? Did they get their baby really cheap? It drives me nuts. I want to wear a sign that says “Yeah, we do have a brain and we did think this one through.” GRR!
Smithie: Definitely. In our case, we see it as more of a second chance than a last chance (given that we chose to try adoption before IVF). This reminds me of a broader issue that I want to discuss in a future post: the fallacious assumption that adoption is a “second best” option because it’s the second route to parenthood that many adoptive parents try.
Nicole: I wouldn’t mind having one of those ““Yeah, we do have a brain and we did think this one through” signs, either. I’m with you on the GRR! feeling.
Earlier this week, a woman I know here in town–fellow-poet, 50ish, former New Yorker (which means liberal here in AZ)–said this to me when I mentioned that we were adopting from China (she also knows about my miscarriages through a mutual friend): “Oh, no! There are so many kids in the system here!”
Not exactly the height of sensitivity. ‘Nuf said.
Once more, with feeling: GRR!
Wow, people can be complete bastards and it appears those who are incomplete and are now attempting to finish the job. I actually find those who you’d think would be a little more enlightened (50ish Poet) by far more annoying when they throw their own half baked emotion-grenades. What kind of poet makes it to 50 without some freaking empathy? I second your grrrr SnowMonkey!